I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
