i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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