Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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