I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
