Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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