yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
