Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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