So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
