Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
