remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
