My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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