ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
