You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
