are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
