So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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