Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
