HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
