Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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