when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
