remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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