Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
