Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
how does that bad decision feel?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
