I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
