he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
