I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Pants are for mortals
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
