Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
