best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
