he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
