Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
