if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize