Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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