anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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