she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
