He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
