Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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