I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
