I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
