Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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