it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
