we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
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Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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