I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
