I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
