someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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