Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
