I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
