there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How external is "for external use only"?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
