I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
