i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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