Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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