i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
