In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
