Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
