what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
