my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
