There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
