you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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