i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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